Facing Christmas
A powerful little thing happened this year. As I walked into the main office of my work, my coworkers were decorating and I ‘grinched’ at them as I said, “My goodness, that’s so much work, I mean, what is the point anyway?”
One of my coworkers looked at me and asked, “Wow, where is your Christmas spirit?”
“Yea, I know, I’m the Grinch.” I proudly stated.
“Have you always been this way?” She inquired.
Without even thinking I blurted, “No, just since my kids chose their Dad’s over me.” My coworker walked away, probably speechless. I sort of was too as I had no idea that was going to come out of me.
I pushed the embarrassment away and moved on with my morning.
Throughout the day the memories started flooding in. Memories with the kids from Christmases long ago that I had pushed away because they were just too painful. Back then, the first one up had permission to wake everyone else as loudly as they wanted to. After opening presents and before digging into the stockings, we would put a new ornament on the tree, one that I had gotten that represented something we experienced that year as a family, then, we would sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.
We opened that Christmas gift as a family for several years before it all came crashing to a halt with the divorce. The divorce that I desperately wanted and insisted on happened around Christmas time. I tried to still celebrate at first, but it wasn’t the same, and eventually, the kids preferred their dad’s house. I stopped buying ornaments and sent most of the old ones to their dad’s. By then, I had discovered that being the grinch was more convenient and less emotional.
In time, I was invited to spend Christmas with the kids at their dad’s. And I did, and still do but, I don’t know that I was ever fully present because the guilt was heavier than the joy of Christmas. This year that changed.
Last week, I visited my youngest daughter who lives with her dad. As I sat with her, surrounded by all the Christmas decorations that they had just put up, I noticed the tree. At first, I ignored it, but then, I couldn’t anymore. I finally walked up to it and faced Christmas.
Hanging on the tree were the old ornaments I had gotten for us as a family, all the kids’ first Christmas’s, our first home, the year we got the dog, etc. There were also plenty that I didn’t recognize because I wasn’t there for every leg of the journey but, I accepted that I was here now and as I looked at each one, somehow the regret and guilt took a back seat and I felt only joy in the remembering. In the few moments that my daughter and I gazed at the tree together, the grinch quietly left.
And then the true meaning of Christmas came through as I remembered that He is the source of light that provides the forgiveness, mercy, and redemption I was experiencing as I faced Christmas, surrendering the past for the present.
The next day was the Women’s Christmas party at church where we made an ornament to take home for our own trees. Each of us picked our own word to adhere to our ornament. I chose, ‘Redeemer’ because He has redeemed the true meaning of Christmas for me. Later that night, I went and got a small tree for that one ornament.
And, ironically, or not so much, I received Christmas ornaments as gifts from multiple people this year, making the little tree shine with love.
A week later, on Christmas Eve, as our imperfect family celebrated together, I joyfully added an ornament to the family tree at my ex’s. This beautiful ornament displayed the ultrasound pic of our new family member who will be arriving in June, 2022.
A gift without ribbons or tags …